When I Found Out (Part 2)

24 Oct

I’m not going to sit here and say I had a bad pregnancy because I didn’t, well not compared to some horror stories from other mom’s that I have heard. For example some moms have “morning sickness” (which is not just in the morning it’s more like all day or at any part of the day) the entire duration of their pregnancy, some have complications etc… My pregnancy was pretty easy in itself; the only thing was that I had a condition called Pubic Symphysis Diastasis. This is a condition that the hormone relaxin causes the pelvis (pubic bone) to loosen. This is good for delivery but in my case the separation was exaggerated and moved incorrectly that caused a great deal of pain for me. This started at the fourth month of my pregnancy and got worse as the baby got bigger. This made me miserable and in a great deal of pain all the time. I was just not enjoying this miracle that has occurred in my body. 

Though I was in a great deal of pain I still forced myself to exercise as much as I could without hurting myself. I walked and did arm exercises with bands in a mommy exercise group, which was my support group through this experience. I learned a lot from these mommy’s and made some friends. Finding a support group for expecting mom’s and new mom’s was the best decision I had made. I was able to talk to other mom’s and get feedback and they told me what worked for them and what didn’t. I did ask a lot of questions because I was scared, I wondered how my life would change and if I would be a good mother.

I realized that I started to become angry and gain resentment towards my husband. Now, I know that your hormones change and can make pregnant women act a little “off”, but I was more upset at myself and the baby, as well as angry at my husband for “doing this to me” when I wasn’t ready, nor did I want a baby at this point of my life. I know it’s not the baby’s fault so I had to veer myself away from that and really focus on my emotional situation. I felt like a bad person for feeling this way, I felt a big bourdon on my shoulders and trapped with a chain around my ankle.

Needless to say I started therapy with my husband. I was also angry because his life didn’t seem to change but mine did. From what I ate to how I slept to what I could and could not do. I was angry for having to take care of someone again. I realized that this went back to my childhood. I grew up helping take care of my grandparents that I lived with while growing up till the age of 19, when my grandfather, the last of the elderly in my house, passed away. I did feel sad he was gone but at the same time a sense of freedom of responsibility for caring for someone else. Now, starting to get my life together as an adult only 11 years later I end up pregnant. I have to do it again! Ugh! Is that a horrible thing to say? I spoke to my therapist about it and she let me know that it was OK to feel that way. I was also afraid of “loosing myself”, loosing the person I have worked so hard to become. Maybe this is the way you the reader feels. Maybe you feel the weight of responsibility only on your shoulders, or you may be alone and are afraid. Whatever the case may be it is ok to feel this way. Not everyone is “super happy” about being pregnant and have different emotions about it.

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