When I Found Out (Part 3 My Resolution)

25 Oct

Here is how I was able to let go of that emotion. Step 1: I recognized that it wasn’t the baby’s fault so I was not going to blame the baby or hurt the baby in any way. I had to deal with this on my own without anyone knowing (my pregnancy secrete) at the time. My baby was not going to be a burden to me, it was going to be a gift and miracle that I get to enjoy and have fun with. Yes, it will be something I have to care for but in a different way.

Once I had that under control in my mind I was able to move on to Step 2: I had to morn the death of me. What I mean by that, is in reality yes me as my own individual person, carefree self, had died and I had to be ready and willing to burry her. Did I cry? Oh boy did I! For a few days really. The thought of me never being the same just devastated me. It was a terrible thought, Why did this happen to me now?! I wanted a family just not right now, I wasn’t ready to burry myself yet. I wanted to still be me and worry about me, JUST ME!

Well I guess God had other plans for me in which I was fighting to accept. When I was ready to lay my old self to rest and embrace the new me of still being the person I am but now having a permanent buddy to deal with or enjoy life with, I drew my experience on paper. You see I am an artist, I was in art school getting my masters in painting, so I did what I knew best. I drew what it was to be with the ball and chain and how I thought it would be like to have a child and care for it, like I did my grandparents on sheet of paper. On another sheet I drew the old me on one side of the paper and I drew the new me with the baby and enjoying the baby on the other. How would I maintain my identity with this child. I was not going to let my life come to an end, this wasn’t a punishment this was a new adventure and I get to have my child enjoy life with me.

On the third sheet of paper I wrote down on one column the things I did as a single person. On the other column I wrote down the things I can supplement certain things that I can no longer carelessly do with things that I can do with or without my child but things that still remained ME. For example I used to pick up and go travel wherever I wanted whenever I wanted. I no longer can do that but if I need a getaway I can plan a vacation with my family or if I want to be alone I can go get my manicure and pedicure done and have some “me” time. Another option is go to the spa for a day, things of that nature. The list went on and was pretty extensive until I felt good enough to stop.

Once I finished those drawings and my list I was able and ready to burry myself. I got the drawing that had the ball and chain I took it outside and I prayed and let myself go, I burned the drawing in a fire pit and with it went my old self into the sky. It was a relief and the weight lifted off my shoulders and I was ready to embrace my baby. Now this does not mean I was happy to be pregnant or anything of the sort I was just not going to be miserable in having this child anymore, the rest of the other feelings were still there. I was still annoyed that it was a year too soon in my book, I still felt cheated a year, I still felt like I worked so hard for 3 years to get my masters and now what. Will it go in vein? Will I be able to get back to doing what I set out to do? Will my goals change? Who knows, but there is one thing no one can take away from me and it’s my education and talent. However I use it, if I use it, it is my prerogative but I got my masters. I achieved a goal no one in my family has achieved and that made me proud of myself. Now my child will be able to look up to me for my achievement and that made me feel better. Maybe you have something your working on or that you are proud of and you can pass that on to your child.

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